16.12.08
learning about calvin

picked up a line from josiah's blog which said: 'Nobody in this world is entirely honest with another', which triggered some thought processes within me. it's true, not even with the ones u love the most, not even with your closest frens, not even with yourself. im not exactly open to the ones around me, not even you. i don't know if my reasons for doing so are justified, but i just know i cant be truly open to anyone around me. when i was close to doing that, i found that it wasn't such a great idea. hur.

anyway i also need to start being honest with myself, and start being honest in my actions. often i dun do what i think. i get confused and dunno are my feelings genuine, or are there jus like sudden outspurts. i do first before i think, and i will then force myself to feel that way, and it usually works, cuz i m rather easily content. that's y i rarely get angry, that is why no one can sustain a conflict with me with active conversation.

oh well enough about honesty. something i really need to work on or else i wouldn't know if i really feel for the things i'm feeling, or is it mere speculation.

just talked to darryl, who's now busy with church stuff. like me, he hasn't rested since sec 3. but now im really free, but he's still struggling, so of cuz i can sympathise with him. it's funny how both of us actually thought of going to ECP to jus laze beside the sea and watch the waves and the sun, and not caring about anything else. he hasnt got the chance to do so, but for me personally i have done it twice after A levels. yea told no one about it, it was jus like a great escape, and really to just soak in everything u've missed, and everything u have done so far.

i've been doing so much for things that i certainly hope i do believe in doing, but not so much for the sake of myself. yes in the long run it does help me, but it really drains me, and i really neglect myself, and forgot to really reward and dote on myself. I WAS REALLY REALLY TIRED OF THE 4 YEARS OF PURE WORK without much of play. never got addicted to games, played sports like mad, buy things as i wished, all becos of the lack of time and energy. but now, or at least for the next 3 wks or so before BMT, i would be totally free. channelling that active side of me into other areas, like running and swimming, and going out to catch up with frens (which can be rather tiring too). i am truly enjoying this freedom, and the times i can finally live life for me, and nothing else.

went to matt's house ytd to played tennis, swim, watch movie, basically jus to hang out with the scrabblers. haven felt happier in a long time. friends are true gems, the best ppl to brighten up ur lives, or at least for me who is still single haha. but i was really really happy yesterday, becos i was enjoying without any tinge of guilt or worry about opportunities costs or what not. it was jus pure fun! but watching 'into the wild' which showcased a person who decided to escape the system, the expectations, the lies, the acts after graduating from college by venturing into the wild, burning his cash and leaving civilisation, really sparked some thoughts in me, together with the worries i felt while crafting the PSC statement for the last 5 to 6 days or so:

what if i have been struggling so much, putting in so much effort, risking so much of time, in something i dun really want?

that is something to think about calvin!

talking to jing can be super assuring sometimes, i really like his angle to things, like his theory of 'the same moon' and the way he notice the little details. ought to meet him someday to talk about stuff.

ok quite a long post for now. more realisations about me another day.

peel me [][][][][][][[]] 21:32